BIENVENIDOS, SEŇOR ASSANGE

You've probably heard the news: Julian Assange, the Wikileaks superstar, is looking for a new mailing address.


Mi amigo Julian, let me be the first to invite you to join us other refugees in San Miguel de Allende.

We all know you've been holed up in the Ecuadoran embassy in London for the past two years because of your fear of government prosecution. Feeling a little peaked due to your confinement, you just announced you're looking for a new place to call political asylum.

So far, you haven't indicated any preference. I certainly hope you don't make the same mistake as your fellow global scoundrel, Edward Snowdon, who reportedly has been swallowed by a Russian brown bear.

Listen up, hermano! San Miguel's a much better choice for these reasons:

Bargain Housing. The way the city is being oversold and overdeveloped, housing prices are bound to continue plunging. Just think of it: A four-bedroom house in Balcones or El Paraiso for what you'd pay for a good dinner on Canary Wharf--SOOOOOOOLD! And you can be sure of getting a maid, cook, and gardener at that rock-bottom price.


The Food. Don't know if it's like Ecuadoran food, but it can't be any better.
No cuy (guinea pig), though.

Get in Shape.  Crave a little exercise? San Miguel's running of the bulls is history. But some tony fitness centers have popped up in San Antonio. And there's always the 2-kilometer ascent from La Parroquia to Soriana to get your heart pumping. Just watch out for the broken paving stones, caballero.

Hide in Plain Sight. It's easy to disappear in San Miguel.  Just slap on a Panama hat, a pair of Oakleys, cream-colored linen pants, and a blue chambray shirt and you'll look like every gringo tourist on the Jardin.

Familiar Language. After two years living with the Ecuadorans, you must be pretty fluent in Spanish. No? Anyway, it doesn't really matter. Here, English is as accepted as bad street music.

Great Entertainment.  While we have the worst street musicians in the civilized world, the town boasts some great clubs, museums, galleries, dance venues, music halls, and symphonies. Not to mention the off-license cantinas.


Historical Sites. Ecuador has the Galapagos and Incan ruins. London has Westminster Abbey and the Globe Theater. And San Miguel has the Toy Museum and loose cobblestones as old as Moses.

World-Class Sports.  While the British love to crow about Manchester United and champion cricketeer Alastair Cook, only the Mexicans can claim the Campeche Pirates and Luchador Rey Mysterio as their own.

First-Rate Television.  I bet you've been watching loads of British telly while you're cooped up. Just to reassure you, Megacable provides a wide range of classy telenovelas and comedy shows featuring busty ladies and hairy men wearing lipstick and silly hats. Loads of club-level soccer, too.

Great Professional Opportunities. Internet speeds suck, but computer hackers like you are desperately needed to spearhead a rejuvenated effort to shine a light on any clandestine deal-making or other corruptive practices, if such things actually ever existed.


A Quick Exit. Finally, San Miguel offers easy access to at least four international airports. Call Baijogo for the best shuttle rates. Hey, just in case you wear out your welcome, cabron....



© 2014 Tony DeCrosta
Contact me at adecrosta@gmail.com